Sunday, October 14, 2012

Death Warp

In an earlier post I wrote about how chronic life threatening illness warps your mind and I started thinking about how else my mind has been warped over the years. It brought me back to an earlier realization that my warped mind has re-warped itself in the aspect of accepting death since I've married. Prior to marriage, I would have been fine dying any day, any time and wouldn't have thought much about it. I had decided if I were to develop cancer again that I wouldn't undergo any treatment again. This may sound as though I had given up on life or was extremely depressed. I had just accepted the inevitable that I cheated years before.

But something  happened, I found my soul mate and yet again some of my life views changed, contrary to what my life views had been for so many years. Life with my husband has provided new hope and new dreams for the future which in turn has led to altered life views. Although I am still adamant about being the first to die within my immediate family, I am not as ready to die as quickly as before. I believe if I were diagnosed with cancer again that I'd agree to undergo treatment, although I may not complete the treatment depending on the quality of life. I still don't believe I'd agree to aggressive treatment for any disease until the absolute end. At some point, I believe I'd defer to palliative care once the quality of life began to become unbearable. I acknowledge that of course, one can't truly know what one would decide to do until faced with such decisions. Especially as times have changed and new hope is given.
My views have changed even to the point that if I were to outlive my husband (absolutely fearful of this occurring) and we have children that I would try to continue life for our children, who hopefully would be adult children at that point if such a horrific tragedy should occur.
Even though I have new hope and dreams for our future, such life view alterations instills more fear as I may decide to fight off death longer than previously believed. The increased fear resides in the ever flowing fear of not being the first to die in my immediate family. I do not want to outlive my parents, and especially my husband. Life has been very hard for me and is quite terrifying to me. These 3 individuals are my rock, my salvation and the thought of losing even one of these most dear persons floods my heart and soul with horrified pain.
To further complicate such life decisions, I am now an adult with the decision making ability over my own life whereas as a child, when my health was at its worst, my parents made these decisions for me and I was not to question or object to their decisions or the treatments or procedures. I have more strength in my own decisions now and perhaps as a measure of rebellion or a statement of mere exhaustion, am defiant to recommended procedures or tests and if needed, may even be defiant to treatments.
Even with these life changes, I hope for the simple solutions so that I will never have to face such decisions and I will go peacefully in my sleep one night before the rest in my immediate family.
As always, we are left with only hopes in the end. Whatever our choices, some things in life are simply out of our control and we must take the best course we believe through life and hope for the best.

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