Wednesday, November 5, 2014

The Worry Wart and The Carefree

Twice in one day I had two different people tell me that they worry about me and my health. I appreciate the care and concern of others but I don't hear the literal words" I'm worried about you" often. So infrequently so, it actually sounded strange. And in that moment, I asked myself why and do I even worry about my own health.

I suppose I do worry but not in the conventional way. I don't think about my future health very often. The only time I truly feel like I worried about future health was when I had my ostomy and was desperate for a reversal. I thought and worried about my future health and hope for a reversal opportunity everyday during those six years with an ostomy. I think of death often, however, the only concern about death I have is pain and outliving my husband. Otherwise, I feel ready for my time. I don't recall worrying about future health even during my worst struggles to survive. I didn't have the energy or strength to worry. And then it just...became normal.

I find myself worrying most about my activity ability. I worry days, weeks, even months ahead of time about activities I want to participate in but am at risk of not being able to complete due to how my body may be acting at that time. For instance, I've been worried that  my body will interfere with my hunting chances this weekend and my excursions on my cruise in 8 months!

There's always so many variables to consider in relation to food, drink, short bowel, and restroom access. I must be careful of when, what, and how much I eat or drink before, even up to the night before, an activity or I may suffer from short bowel, cramps, and pain.
But even these worries have become second nature as I proceed with strategizing my day around the activity and demands it will place on my body.

I've said before, I could be considered to be in a place of denial, resignation, or acceptance about future health and health risks. I did, however, request to restart the Sulindac in efforts to reduce polyp growth and aid in management of my degenerative disease within my neck joint. Perhaps I'll even undergo another scope or MRI with contrast in the next few years again! I probably should worry more, but at this point in my life...I just don't have it in me.

Worrying is just exhausting though. We can worry ourselves to death with unceasing focus on our risks. It's all a fine line we must try to balance. Between taking care of ourselves and not dwelling on the problems and risks. Yet most of us don't balance, we lean or fall to one side before we pick ourselves back up to try to walk that tightrope once again.

What do you find yourself worrying about? Are you a worry wart or are you carefree with your health and future health?

4 comments:

  1. Wow, as always, love your posts! I began worrying much more when I found I had several polyps (still sitting there untouched - only tested) in my leftover small intestine, and then found out I have a tumor on my adrenal. It was a shock after trying to ignore the reality of this disease.
    I worried a lot. But since then I've tried so hard to live in the moment and do what I can, when I can. I enjoy moments so much more than I used to.
    You are right, worrying is exhausting! I do the worry thing, did it today in fact. :( I had a blockage in my small intestine almost two weeks ago, and my stomach gurgled so much as a result, and it started again today - after eating peanuts which I think may have caused the first block. My eyes have cloudy spots and I worry that I have CHRPE (?) and that I'll lose my vision, or that it will be cloudy and affect everything I enjoy - so much of it is visual.
    I try continually to recognize that worrying causes stress, and stress causes cancer.
    P.S. Have you read The Fault in Our Stars? If so, what did you think?

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    1. There's nothing like a Polyp or tumor to slap us back to reality. I hate that you have those! Did they test negative?? I hate those signs and symptoms we associate with a bad and possible future experience, like your gurgling and obstruction. Fills your gut with knots hoping it's not happening again.
      Those moments we can simply enjoy are so important and precious, particularly when we're worrying...which is hard not to do sometimes. Hold tight onto those precious moments, You deserve them :)
      I haven't read it actually! How was it? I'm always collecting books for my to read list.

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  2. I must confess that while I do worry about you, my actual actions have been to move forward as if there is no reason to worry. Crazy huh? Guess all deal with things by selectively burying our heads...

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    1. Sounds a lot like how I tend to be about myself!

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